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MONDAY, JULY 04, 2011
 
This morning I counted from zero to infinity and then later that afternoon I went backwards. When I got back down to ten, I started clapping and really getting into it - like in a space shuttle launch. It was awesome – and I was so stoked that I went and got some chili cheese fries. I told the guy at the restaurant what I had done and he actually doubted me?!?! So to prove it to him I counted half-way to infinity while he prepped the condiments tray. Unfortunately, the guy turned out to be a real idiot and jackass, because he said I missed some numbers – I think one of them was like 391 762 208 082, but I know I got it. Normally, one would make the critical error of sticking up for one’s self right there and then. But, one of the advantages of being a genius is that such mistakes are generally avoided. Therefore, I waited until I had my chili cheese fries in hand and free from any potential spit wads, before calling him a shit head and dumping as many napkins as I could on the ground. My lust for vengeance frightens me at times and I try not to indulge myself too often, but clearly this counter-jockey had it coming.

You may think that I had just won again – and frankly, I had. But when I left, I felt a sense of guilt overcome me, because the chili cheese fries were fantastic. After all, all that counting can sure work up an appetite. I threw caution and etiquette to the wind and started jamming the chili cheese fries into my mouth. I could not get enough of the chili and cheese tangyness mixed in with that honest to goodness deep fried potato flavor. I climaxed and went back in desperately needing more. But sadly, my chili cheese fry maker was not behind the counter. His drive through associate said that he had left immediately in a fit of rage over all the trees that would now have to die sooner because of all the napkins I had recklessly dumped upon the hearth. I did not attempt to identify with his pain however, as pleasing thoughts of fresh chili cheese fries washed over me. I asked for two more servings on the double. I knew unadulterated taste bud ecstasy was again close at hand. Much to my chagrin, the only person who could fulfill my order was the man I had smote only moments early – as was explained to me by an old man in the corner playing the banjo. Knowing that this was a sign that I should lay off the acid and stop talking to my hallucinations, I decided to jump the counter and prep my own damn chili cheese fries. Suddenly, my hallucinatory banjo man began playing his banjo furiously to add to the intensity and drama of my situation. I desperately screamed at him to cease, because I was having a hard enough time finding the damn cheese without all the banjo racket in the background, but it was too late. Relentlessly, the banjo man kept playing and began to morph into a fire breathing vampire. I decided that no chili cheese fries, no matter how tasty, was worth losing life and limb. So, I grabbed some soft-serve ice cream and a stack of frozen hamburger patties and went home.

The moral of the story is simple: some cold soft serve and a stack of semi-thawed beef patties in the hand is better than even an infinite amount of chili cheese fries on the prep tray. Trust me, I’ve counted.
Comments

Sorrel

Sorrel

Would you believe, the same thing happened to me the other day!
But seriously, I think your story has another moral... I was at the library the other day frantically trying to finish an essay in the hour before class started, and there was a girl sitting next to me yammering away. She wasn't saying the usual obnoxious things that would make me want to gouge out her windpipe, but since I was under stress, I hated her. When it came down to the very last seconds before it was due and I needed to print my paper, I realized that I only had quarters and the printcard machine only took loonies and toonies, I turned to her in desperation. She only had a toonie for my four quarters and said "don't worry about it" and saved me from showing up to class empty handed. I felt so guilty about my resentful thoughts and mutterings when I realized she was a very sweet girl.
Anyway, my point is, being judgemental and mistaking your everyday chili cheese fry prep boy for a shit head leaves you with semi-thawed beef patties.

Lilian

Lilian

I have to agree , I'm the same way. I hate how I can just judge people, sometimes without even speaking a word the other person. And everyone knows that prejudice is wrong, yet I can't help it..because I've been so right before. All it takes is that one person to not fit the stereotype to make you feel like an idiot though.

genius_advice

genius_advice

50% of first impressions are correct, so I'll take my chances.



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