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SATURDAY, MAY 28, 2016
Ninja zombie pirates locked in space battle with Dinosaurs coding open source Ubuntu Apps...and of course, Chuck Norris makes an appearance
Look Internet, you and I have had our issues in the past... you used to tie up my phone line... then you used to put a bunch of junk on my computer without my being aware, and then offer me programs that promised to remove the junk while they secretly added more. But lately, you've just crossed the line. You've taken that junk and put it in people's heads. And no amount of spyware scanners can save them...

Am I being mean? Well, let me explain myself - you've killed the concept of Awesome with your junk. Honestly, but for a precious few who still know what awesome truly is, you've brainwashed the masses when it comes to what qualifies as "awesome." And as Mark Twain once told me: Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect. That's why I'm no longer with the majority.

But maybe I'm not really being clear enough, now am I? Understandably so. With the amount of mindless garbage you've cluttered our minds with, it's impossible to read a complete sentence without losing our train of...

Each moment I come across some horrible allusion to an 80s film theme, or characters, or some other childhood intrigue, I can't help but wonder what's become of you Internet. I look upon the vast valley of the internet and see but a long line of sheep, who are locked in a competition to be the next... follower. Originality is dead. If it's about Zombies, Pirates, Ninjas the internet will Digg it, rest assured. I'm not sure how it started, or what compels these mindless simians to hash and rehash the same mundane and trivial junk. My only guess is, they're all sheep who've lost their shepherd.

It's all an inside joke in which no one on the inside has received the phone call saying: "Guess what guys, we're not doing that joke anymore..."

Are you not embarrassed internet? You're like a parent whose child is still hung up on why the chicken crossed the road. How have you not told that kid to get some new material yet? Is it still funny to you? Is it cute? Do you fall over with laughter at Knock Knock jokes in the same way you fall for Rick Rolls? Fool me once, shame on you... fool me 1,650,000 times1 and get artist Rick Astley nominated for best act ever at the MTV Europe Music Awards2. He didn't win by the way - and I'm glad he didn't. Say what you want about the MTV awards, but I'm not going to toss away a title like "Best Act Ever" to a washed up 80s pop singer just because it's become an internet meme for a bunch of imbeciles who've lost the meaning of humor.

Those are the same kids who massed together to vote for the class clown to be the class president, and then came to realize that while the other classes were getting exciting class trips and pizza days from their respective proactive presidents, they were stuck hearing armpit noises.

I'll give you credit though, Internet. One thing you've certainly done is allowed just about anyone to subscribe to cool. People with no social skills can now have their moment in the sun - they just purchase some shirt with a pirate logo on it, or get something Ninja-related, and instantly the sheep come flocking to them.


You know, if you charged for those hugs, you could buy a better sign...


Even more mindless are the "Free Hugs" I'm offered when I'm walking down the streets. Someone should teach these kids a lesson about capitalism. You throw a higher price tag on there, and people immediately assume a higher quality. Give it away for free, and it's clearly something damaged, useless, and a waste of space that someone is trying to get off their hands. Offering me a free hug is telling me you need it more than I do.

Furthermore, mindless is the trivial garbage known as XKCD that passes itself off as an intelligent comic, but much to my glee it is nothing more than a miserable attempt, a failed attempt at intelligence. Instead it's a series of poorly drawn images focusing on the style of humor known as: This is funny because other people don't get it. "Ahaha! He used a linux command to make his friend get him a sandwich." It also features another form of humor every once in a while, known as: This is funny because the punchline makes no real sense, and the guy in the last panel is confused. Pretty easy to set up: Panel 1, Guy asks question. Panel 2, Other person responds with answer that doesn't apply. Panel 3, Static panel. Panel 4, Guy is confused.


This is funny because she doesn't give him the answer he expected! Hilarious!


But you know, internet - you know what you really did that killed originality in this world? Precisely that you let people do things under it's name. And so now we have kids across the world walking like zombies, dressing up like pirates, and priding themselves on being so original, so hip, so different.

You've ruined "awesome" for me. Suddenly, pirates are awesome, ninjas are awesome, zombies, and dinosaurs. You want to know what's really awesome? F. Scott Fitzgerald. I've been struck by his words - that man could write, and write so well that I was literally struck with awe when I first started reading his work. You know what else is awesome? Godard's Pierot le Fou - not only was I mesmerized with his manner in telling the story, I was also struck by the beautiful Anna Karina. Anna Karina is awesome. You know what else is awesome? A while back, I stepped into a bakery that has made, hands down, by far the best chocolate chip cookie I had in my life. That's not an exaggeration - I've looked far and wide for this cookie, and I've finally found it. And it is awesome. So much so that while I walked and ate the cookie, I had to come to a full stop, close my eyes, focus my ears on nothingness, such that I could focus all my attention and senses to the two that would allow me to take in the cookie in its fullest glory. Sometime later I tried this cookie again, and this time I brought along my friendly neighborhood Australian as an impartial observer - the experiment's control. And frankly, he came right out and said after his first bite that the cookie was awesome - though he said it with a slightly different accent. Oh-wsome.

But don't you go stealing my ideas of awesome. Those are mine, and mine alone. I'll be happy to share them with people who agree because they've always agreed. But you're nuts if you think I'm going to willingly share all that I think is awesome with those who can't figure it out for themselves.
Comments

Wallaceofspades

Wallaceofspades

Jeez, Tell me about it!!!!

Lilian

Lilian

-Ninjas replaced the "All American" muscle men
-XKCD replaced Garfield comics.
-Rick Roll replaced annoying websites.
-Linux jokes replaced "office-coffee" humour

..and for that, I'm thankful.

Keshiaaa

Keshiaaa

I've heard some of this before. I wanted to read this a second time, just because some of it made sense to me (did you roll your eyes? *wink*). I laughed. Anna Karina is gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. I *hate* zombies. And ninjas. I like vampires.
Not the point. Rick Astley is talented, I don't know why anyone would disagree. Terrible dancer, though.
Anyways, sleep tight.



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