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SATURDAY, MAY 28, 2016
Inventions are great. They've really helped my life out, I find. I've always been a particular fan of the wheel. With the wheel, I was given words like circle (which I'm certain came after the wheel), radius, and circumference. I think other people like wheels too. Sometimes when I get out of my car, someone will say "Nice Wheels" and I'll nod knowingly.

But I've always enjoyed the unintentional invention. When I say unintentional, I don't mean the invention that happened by accident - like Penicillin, which don't get me wrong, is a delicious creation. Some inventions and creations happen by accident, or unintentionally... the man in the lab coat returns to his lab one morning says "That's weird..." and files for a patent. Those aren't the ones I'm talking about, or interested in. The unintentional inventions I'm talking about is when the invention is used in a way different than what the inventor intended (ie. the inventor never intended the use of the invention in the manner it is being used).

When it comes to things I enjoy, I find it's handy to make a list. It's also good to make a list of things I dislike too - like a list of people, or a list of non-conservative Forces. Having a list is a useful way to tell people that I know what I like, and dislike, and if it's a numbered list, I can give a pretty good idea of the order I like/dislike things. I find women appreciate my being organized this way.

So when I found myself thinking of unintentional inventions, I found that I needed to make a list. And here I am doing just that:

#5: The Windshield wiper used as a holder for flyers and advertisements

I read somewhere that martial arts first spread in the US by way of fliers

Most people don't like advertisements. They go to great lengths to disable ads in their browsers, they protest against giant billboards. Not me. I like to know what's going on, what products recently became available. There's this one internet banner that has told me who I'm going to marry even! How can anyone not like ads? But the best are the kind that are left on my car. Conveniently tucked under my wipers to hold them in place so that when I get in my car and start driving, I'll see them flapping away as if they're screaming "Saaaave me." This makes me laugh. And then I'll pull over and remove the fliers carefully and bring them into my car. I've seen some people just turn on the wipers, and the fliers then become flyers. But this is a driving hazard, and should be avoided.

#4: The sock as a mop

This is a dirty sock, but a perfect example of the dirt it can collect.

When you buy your own place, the first thing that hits you is how much stuff you don't have. You are lost in the romantic idea of living on your own, that you don't realize how much you'll need to buy - plates, cups, forks (more on this later...), a place to sit, a place to sleep, hangers, brooms, dustpans, mops, etc. One day, when I was in my kitchen drinking grape juice out of the jug, I realized immediately that I needed cups. Or at least, I needed "cup." Spilling juice on the floor, I then realized I also needed a mop. Looking around for something to wipe the juice up with, my animalistic instinct kicked in and I just brushed my foot across the puddle of grape juice, sopping it all up. I felt like I was making my personal contribution to the advancement of mankind. Like the caveman making the wheel, I was finding out how to clean grape juice without a mop. I then further refined my invention with another detail: Be sure to remove the sock afterwards. I realized the importance of this detail later, when my roomate came home and seeing grape-colored footprints on the carpet. It was no use hiding either, the footprints lead right to me.

#3: The fork as a knife

No need for a knife here!

The other day I was taking an IQ test (if I had turned off ads in my browsers, I wouldn't have seen the ad telling me to compare my IQ with George Bush!) One of the questions was concerning rotation: I was given a shape, and had to select the shape when it was rotated. After this test of rotational geometry, I found myself rotating many objects to see what objects looked like in their non-traditional orientation. I tried this with a cup (the cup was full, and thanks to my sock as a mop invention, the spilled juice was a non-issue), and later on when I was having dinner with a fork (I had yet to buy any knives), I tried rotating the fork. I realized very quickly that the fork can double up as a knife when rotated. Now I don't need to buy knives! And though guests are always surprised with my forks that have a razor-sharp side, they're usually very impressed.

#2: Axe Bodyspray as a deodorizer

Axe - Comes in a wide selection of odors

If there's one thing that gets more women than a well crafted, and numbered list of things I like, it's Axe Bodyspray. Again, I know this from the advertisements I see everywhere. Women love this stuff, and often attack men just to get at the body spray. I know from other ads that Febreeze is a popular deodorizer - but in these ads, it's typically a woman using it, and one who probably doesn't want a flock of women to storm her house. That's why I don't use Febreeze. I use Axe. I deodorize my apartment, my car, my shoes with Axe bodyspray. I also use it as a deodorant. I will warn you though, because Axe is so flammable, by using this much Axe, you increase your chance of spontaneous combustion.

#1: The ear as a pencil-holder

This man uses a mechanical pencil, while I prefer the more traditional kind.

It's hard to write lists with a pen. It makes your list permanent, and you can never refine your list that way. That's not good, particularly when it comes to women. Women want a man who can change, and moreover, want to be able to change a man. When you make lists, it's a better idea to use pencils. Pencils have a little eraser at the other end that let you erase and modify your list. Sometimes when I'm showing a girl my list, and she makes an argument for something to be on or off my list, I'll erase and add it with my pencil. This makes her more attracted to me, because she'll feel like she made an impact on my life. Later, if I find myself adding the woman's name to the list of women I don't like, I can then freely erase her additions to my list. You can't do this with pens. The problem with pencils, though, is they wear away faster than pens. So I normally carry 4. I put one in my left pocket, and one in my right, but this leaves two pencils. I'd seen in some TV commercials where a man will put a pencil behind his ear, and I now do the same. I'll put one pencil behind my left and one pencil behind my right. This holds the pencils in place really well - except when the pencils get really short, but that's usually when I replace them anyway.

I hope you enjoyed my list, and if you feel I should add to it, let me know. I may not have written this with a pencil, but computers are also good at editing.

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