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MONDAY, JULY 04, 2011
Chuck Norris wears a black turtleneck because he only needs his head to intimidate
Right at this moment - and at any given moment - it's possible to predict what Steve Jobs is wearing. That trademark black turtleneck, and blue jean look has become the staple look of the genius behind Apple. In fact, I'm willing to bet that Jobs even sleeps in a black turtleneck made of soft cotton, and blue-jean colored pajama pants. His sheets, blanket, pillow, and entire room would likely be a pure bleached white, with not a single off-color mark or stain anywhere. And while he sleeps, he breaths to the same rhythm of the beat of a sleeping Macbook whose apple logo glows in and out.

But let's not forget - Steve Jobs may be a smart man, and he may come up with impressive products, and he may have a long reputation of being a frightening man - particularly to employees, or interviewers. Steve Jobs fears very few people, but there are 5 men that Steve Jobs must fear. 5 men who don't just wear the black turtleneck, but whose raw awesomeness is contained by the black turtleneck.

Chuck Norris - Any list pertaining to men who should be feared that did not contain Chuck Norris, is not a real list. Some know him as Walker Texas Ranger, some know him as Maj. Scott McCoy, but of course most just know him as Chuck Norris. Steve Jobs, and just about everyone, should know him as Fear.

Paul Newman - Paul Newman is known for his cunning, cool roles in movies, such as his role in The Sting, or Cool Hand Luke. He is also known for his venture into the delicious world of salad dressings, which - as of May 2007 - has donated $220 million to charities. Meanwhile Apple is busy suing a New York based charity for registering the Infinite Loop Apple logo. Steve Jobs has long been criticized for his lack of charitable donations1, though he has proven to be more charitable with his recent donation of 100 iPod Nanos to victims of California Wildfires2, as well as donating hundreds of dollars to increase design awareness among farmers in poor countries3. It's about time, because frankly their current tools are a little archaic, if you ask me. They need more gloss.(And yes...That last article is satirical...)

Clint Eastwood - Clint Eastwood is like a less active Chuck Norris. He's less active, because while Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick things, or punch them with crushing force, Clint Eastwood just needs to stare at things. Seriously. An image of Clint Eastwood's stare on my computer caused a BSOD. So I then reduced the image size, lowered the quality, and after emailing the image to a friend of mine, he got back to me telling me all the spyware and viruses that were on his computer had mysteriously vanished. Point being: Too much Clint Eastwood stare can fry your computer... but if you tweak the settings just right, you'll have a virus free box in no time. Expect Mac sales to decline with swarms of people returning to PCs.

Anderson Cooper - Besides having beat out Steve Jobs for Media Person of the Year, in 20054, researching him turned out to be a difficult task. Not for lack of information, but more due to the oversaturation of websites with women (and men) swooning over Anderson Cooper. finds him with an scientifically calculated Woman Magnatism quotient of 75, career Success rating of 85, and readers rating of 87. Compare this with Steve Job's ratings of: 72, 97, and 71. In otherwords, while considered more successful than Cooper, the consensus seems to be that Anderson Cooper looks better in a turtleneck. I'll leave it to the reader to decide which is more important.

Finally, we've reached the last man in a turtleneck Steve Jobs must fear. The man needs no introduction... in fact, he is quite good at leaving everyone generally speechless. I'll say no more, except to offer the following video:

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