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MONDAY, JULY 04, 2011



Science & Technology

Perverted animals are doing things that are freakier, nastier and arguably more painful than any man has ever performed with their penis. In fact, if you try to even remotely pull off some of these sexual acts on someone you’d not only be sent to jail but you’d also provide a good reason for reinstalling of capital punishment. Yet, the super-power that these penises possess is fascinating and would make any male wonder “Why can’t my penis do that?”

Let’s start off with the genitals that pop-off and kill. This is a sexual feature of animals such as honeybees and wasp spiders that is actually quite useful, where the male genitals pop off after having sex with a female. The part that was snapped off is also left inside the female. Because the queen bee or spider female is sought after by so many horny males, the detached penises are left inside to plug up the female; Thereby preventing females from having sex with other males. Popped genitals are the best way to make sure a girl stays faithful in the animal world. Unlike spiders though, when the male bee detaches his genitals he ends up dead. But death is a small price to pay for true loyalty, right fellas?

Someone is about to lose a penis.

If snapping off your penis isn’t your idea of a super-power, then may I suggest using it as a sword against your enemies? That’s at least how the flatworm does it with his sharp stabbing penises. Yes, flatworms actually duel with other flatworms with their genitals, except their penis resembles two swords (because one penis-sword is never enough). And as the flatworms sword fight each other with their cocks, the loser of the battle suffers the most embarrassing defeat of all macho male warriors: Pregnancy. I only wish this was a fatality move in Mortal Kombat. The loser becomes pregnant because flatworms are actually hermaphrodites who, along with their male genitals, also get to have female organs as well. And once the flatworm loses the cock-fight he/she gets stabbed by the champion’s penis which releases sperm into the loser’s body, thereby impregnating the female genitals of the flatworm. Imagine if Marcutio became impregnated after getting stabbed by Tybalt? Now, there’s a fight scene within a love story.
Check this video out to see the flatworms 'penis fence'

But superpower goes beyond violence, it also requires special abilities. And extension is one feature that is sought by superhero wannabes. How big do animals wish their penises grew? How about as big as themselves? The banana slug, not only looks like a penis but its penis looks like him too! The slug’s flexible and moist outer-membrane allows for such stretching. They’re also hermaphrodite, so their “vaginas” are just as wide. If you thought that was large, imagine a penis that was 50 times larger than your body! Such are the bragging rights of barnacles, those practically immobile Ron Jeremy’s of the sea. Barnacles need sex too, and they won’t let immobility get in the way of pleasuring their penises, even if the girl is 50 barnacles away.

Banana slugs about to have sex. First they measure up each other's sizes because if the male's penis is bigger than the female, she'll let him know by biting it off.

Most importantly, I’d like to present to you the penis-pod, which was a personal fantasy of mine when I was a teenager. See, sometimes the teenage brain and the penis come into disagreement. Like I wanted to watch T.V or pay attention in class but my penis was too impatient. “If only it had legs to go off and satisfy itself and leave me to finish my provincial exam,” I would wish to myself. And this is where the Argonaut would have solved such problems. The Argonaut has a special tentacle that is used as a pod, it’s called the hectocotylus. When the Argonaut meets a female, the hectocotylus detaches from the Argonaut to become a lone swimming penis. No pick up lines, no dinner, and no fancy mating rituals; She either wants it or rejects it. So just swim over to her, Mr. Penis, and do your thing… I have work to do. That’s a super-power that both the penis and the male brain require, if man wishes to reach his full potential.

An argonaut displaying his many tentacles. The hectotylus is the third tentacle inside the large sac; It's fully mature.


Wow, who'd have thought carrying seed instead of injecting sperm sucked more in a hermaphrodite's world where there's some flexibility. But really it seems like everything equals out in the end in the world of flatworms so maybe it's not so bad.



Replying to Amanda:
Everything equals out or everything "evens out" for flatworms?



It's interesting that hardly anyone responded to this article compared to the boob one. Hmmm ...



Maybe penises are just not as interesting?


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